Social Solutions>

#18719 49 Mon Jan 18 14:25:57 1993 Captain James T Kirk
net test
#18818 49 Mon Jan 18 20:35:34 1993 [It's time we faced the music..] Hooded Menace [and slow danced to it...]
shit net
#168093 49 Mon Oct 3 15:55:59 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
it would have direct scoial and economic effect, but nothing else.
#168152 49 Mon Oct 3 21:14:38 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
what else do you want? killing the president is the bst you can do and you know it and i know it. killing the president is the farthest anyone here CAN ever go and you know it and i know it (and so does fred).
#168206 49 Mon Oct 3 23:54:01 1994 [you must] shane [eat]
"but it's all for GLORY..." fuck that
#168256 49 Tue Oct 4 08:59:31 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
okay. fuck sunday. what sunday says never has any merritt because it's different thinking, even though she explains herself constantly.
#168275 49 Tue Oct 4 21:34:22 1994 [you must] shane [eat]
oh, cry me a river, like you never talk to anybody the same way. we're all assholes, let's just get used to it
#168308 49 Tue Oct 4 22:29:59 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
there we go shanes got it right. give him a medal and call him an asshole because nobody ever likes the one who tells everybody whats going down. nobody ever likes the one who makes us look at ourselves. PRETTY SCARY. but its a job and you do it well so maybe well still like you. s s s
#168336 49 Tue Oct 4 23:54:45 1994 [make love] Spur [not dogburger]
i think the best friends are the people without friends.
#168364 49 Wed Oct 5 06:07:16 1994 [es geht] Phil [mir SCHLECT]
"hey asshole, meet asshole."
#168696 49 Wed Oct 5 17:05:56 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
how bout i just stop talking, colin? would that make you fucking happy?
#168700 49 Wed Oct 5 17:20:24 1994 [they say] shane [I am messiah]
why don't we alljust stoptalkingnow
#168738 49 Wed Oct 5 20:56:06 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
i dont know sunday. is that what YOU want? jesus christ you have this uncanny ability to turn it around on me. maybe now you can finally see why im running. fuckme its impossible.
#168739 49 Wed Oct 5 20:56:22 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
its not my fault its not your fault. its impossible if you ask me.
#168742 49 Wed Oct 5 21:01:37 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
just read reverse. i wasnt feverently attacking you or anything. how come all of the sudden im some mad fuhrer with a passion to attack you. all i said was tthat killing the president is the fastest way to get famous and be rememberd. then i said we dont like to look at ourselves. applies to all of us. of course im sure i attacked you somewhere. how can we not attack each other. its like a little game oh nevermind what is the point. i think ill go kill myself, how bout that sunday? would that make you fucking happy?
#169144 49 Thu Oct 6 17:37:07 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
yeah, thats real funny colin. and yet, you've turned what i have siad back on me. this is some vicious circle. i was feeling pretty angry because no one can just say "okay, thats how you feel about it. i feel _______ " etc., its always "NONONONO. you;re crazy. you're stupid. it's THIS way...." i'm sure i was probably acting the same way, but i sorta remember saying that "i think." at elast once. not the first time... but soemwhere in there. i was jsut feeling angry period. i've been very angry lately (NOT AT YOU) which isnt really an excuse at all. im sorry is all i can say which doesnt really mean anything snce the damage has been done. and yeah, i wish i could stop talking if it would make thigns alright ahgain.
#169194 49 Fri Oct 7 01:51:45 1994 [i don't] shane [have time to die]
you're both saying nothing
#169195 49 Fri Oct 7 01:52:03 1994 [i don't] shane [have time to die]
gee, i bet that helps
#169713 49 Fri Oct 7 23:34:48 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
you know stop talking isnt gonna solve any problems. jesus i dont know im super stressed out. every day for about the last 2«-3 months has been constant shit for me. the best metaphor i can come up with is that just about every day for the last 3 months has been a new punch in the face or recov- ering from the punch i got a couple todays ago. one thing after another constantly. ill have one or two up days and then ill fall again and itll take weeks to find something new to care about. not blaming it on you at all. its just that that is where im coming from. im kinda at the end of a stick so im sorry if im being short and everything but on the same hand im not sorry.
#169767 49 Sat Oct 8 11:28:53 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
i dont know what to say.
#169828 49 Sun Oct 9 17:27:05 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
say anything its a dog day afternoon.
#170422 49 Mon Oct 10 21:51:24 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
all i can say is, you wanna do something this weekend? i have 4 days off.
#170456 49 Tue Oct 11 13:08:04 1994 [seashells, driftwood] shane [and burlap]
if you say that one more time i'm going to hurt you
#170474 49 Tue Oct 11 18:06:34 1994 [this drive for consistency] Spur [turns it all to mush]
im gonna go for the gold medal in drugs
#170785 49 Tue Oct 11 19:57:57 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
um. no.
#170829 49 Wed Oct 12 18:43:46 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
4 days huh? what is it a holiday or somethign whats the deal? i dont get any days off fuck.
#170879 49 Wed Oct 12 22:28:28 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
one is some half day who knows and then the next day the teachers go off and learn things together. but see, i wont be going the half day so that is 4 datys
#170889 49 Wed Oct 12 22:40:51 1994 Prick
we get a monday off in like two weeks
#170907 49 Thu Oct 13 11:39:17 1994 [this drive for consistency] Spur [turns it all to mush]
its columbus day fuck shit up
#170908 49 Thu Oct 13 11:39:39 1994 [this drive for consistency] Spur [turns it all to mush]
well monday was columbus they give it to state workers on monday school kids on friday dont ask me why
#170935 49 Thu Oct 13 20:38:45 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
woo. htats okay with me. thena gain, i am going to be going to off campus very soon.
#170936 49 Thu Oct 13 20:38:49 1994 [to us, he is] Joan Vermin [very real]
very soon.
#170948 49 Thu Oct 13 21:05:44 1994 [this drive for consistency] Spur [turns it all to mush]
that is pretty neat. at least, i think its pretty neat? is it?
#170960 49 Thu Oct 13 22:16:35 1994 Prick
wait, you mean schools get tomorrow off?
#170961 49 Thu Oct 13 22:16:50 1994 Prick
well i guess i wasnt going anyway like it matters
#171001 49 Fri Oct 14 13:07:33 1994 [i like meat] Joan Vermin [a whole bunch]
no, just my school.. besides i called you to tell you to come over this moring and your mom said wyou were gone to school. do who did you lie to, me or her? <notice the sarcastic tone> yeah, it is pretty neat, nathan.
#171016 49 Fri Oct 14 17:49:58 1994 [be young have fun] Spur [drink pepsi]
i think you were with another man shane and you were SMOOKING
#171032 49 Fri Oct 14 23:33:23 1994 [you dont bring me flowers] Prick [you dont give me blowjobs]
to smook or not to smook
#171033 49 Fri Oct 14 23:34:05 1994 Prick
das ist die Frage.
#171055 49 Sat Oct 15 12:42:40 1994 [i like meat] Joan Vermin [a whole bunch]
das ist die Frage? Richtig Wieder.
#171998 49 Sat Oct 15 13:52:59 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
columbus day who the fuck cares columbus was a fucking pawn now johnhinkley he mattered i wanna cele rate his irthday.
#172007 49 Sat Oct 15 23:17:52 1994 Prick
you do that, see if you can get a day off from work for it
#172022 49 Sun Oct 16 13:29:31 1994 [come see the softer side] Joan Vermin [of my ass]
hmmm. lets do something on halloween, yes?
#172278 49 Sun Oct 16 22:40:01 1994 Prick
fine
#172293 49 Sun Oct 16 23:10:41 1994 [come to where] Spur [the flabber is]
guy fawkes day, tried to blow up parliament, now they get the day off to shoot fireworks and wear guy fawkes masks, no shit.
#172340 49 Mon Oct 17 15:46:05 1994 [come see the softer side] Joan Vermin [of my ass]
interesting. there could be tones of happy days. First time over 4,000 people were killed it a war... etc.
#172608 49 Mon Oct 17 21:52:06 1994 [Lieutenant] Prick [of the Buttwipe Task Force]
only the british would name a child "guy"
#172619 49 Mon Oct 17 22:37:37 1994 [come to where] Spur [the flabber is]
and the french, but lets call him gee
#173000 49 Tue Oct 18 18:26:50 1994 [if i could id leave] john hinkley [im sorry]
nevermind. on halloween i will be occupied doing nothing because even though it is mandatory the point has been reached where it is also funnest. solutions? i dont know you tell me. we spend half the time trying to figure out what to do because there is nothing and when a perog- ative is finally developed someone doesnt like it so they run out. even though we were only going over there for a couple of minutes. its been the story for months now. and every time it gets worse. and it always ends this way, it always ends this way.
#173026 49 Tue Oct 18 21:12:20 1994 [come see the softer side] Joan Vermin [of my ass]
i'd like to say something about this. we're all too willing to do what everyone else is. Lets use saturday as a example. we dont know where to go for a long time. We dicide after a stupidly long time: go downtown, decide from there. what happens? Shane and colin find something appeals to them--sunday and nathan dont agree. so they go on their ways, inadvertantly making sundday upset (no ones fault but her own) and i doubt anyone else got upset. That's just how I am... mentally make situations really fucked and takes me a day to realize i fucked it up, not someone else. but people aren 't saying what they want to do. i feel really shitty all the time because everyone ends up at my house looking totally bored and eventually (and early) goes "well... see ya" and leaves. I feel like there's this huge pressure onm me to go out and do soemthing... i know my house isnt that totally entertaining. what happens is people find something to do with someone else, they have a good time and sunday gets really jealous (how come they dont have fun with me?). I am NOT LAYING ANHTHING ON ANYONE. I am confessing my extraordinary posession over people... and my jealousy. I am compltely dealing with this all the time, seriously. I am just about crying right now because i am so frustrated. I am so goddamn lonely... i'll be away from any one of you for a day and start to get lonely and angry and all kinds of things. I dont know why, it frustrates me because no one else is like that... they get sick of eachother and they are okay with that, how come I'm not? How come i am crying right now over the fact i am sure that shane and colin dont like hanging out with me? Is nathan going to get sick of me? I am so scared and so lonely... i cant believe i am crying. And it' like this endless thing that never comes out until messages like colin's... stuff invoking this huge paranoia in me. i dpntm know. i just want to go to bed and hope tomarrow comes very fast. tomarrow i shall see my friend.s
#173042 49 Tue Oct 18 22:17:25 1994 [I want to go] Prick [to the hospital]
i spend a good portion of time at your house trying to remember what it was we did to have fun before you got cable. interesting reading alot of that because here's the story on me: had a talk with val about lots of stuff, politics being one of them, i told her at some point that i often felt politically ignorant but it was something that i cared to know about.. anyway we talk about that and i say how two of my favorite people in das world happen to be amanda & nomy but i can never feel comfortable around them because all i do is listen. they talk about all kinds of stuff that i don't have the knowledge or understanding (yet) to take part in their conversation so what happens is that even though i'm really interested in what's being said, i end up feeling like i'm acting really stupid by just sitting there like a rock and i think that they start wishing i would leave so they could talk without this ghostly presence looming over them.. it's a thing i do that makes everyone around me uncomfortable but i don't know what the fuck i can do it's not like i can change anyone else (not that i should) rather i cannot make anyone understand me, because even if they did it would be an annoying thing to deal with. my only choice is to compromise myself by becoming a more talkative person, speaking out more often at the risk of feeling like an idiot because basically everybody can say "oh shane he's a nice guy" but given the choice to hang out alone in a room with me most everybody would turn it down, guaranteed. when i think about my conversational tactics i get annoyed imagining sitting around with someone exactly like myself.. it's just something nobody wants to do. anyway, talked about all that with val, came to the conclusion that there was something a little weird about the way i am, got really depressed for a while, mainly because i put it in the context of being "no fun", got over that because hey fuck you, and now here i am just tossing around the idea of eliminating outside influences completely and damning myself to an inner hell. though a beautiful inferno it would be, i am sure of that. peoples personalities are certainly not fully compatible among us, for instance me & colin are just too damn similar in some ways it seems both of us need for the other person to get things rolling for us and obviously that would result in alot of quiet moments. same with me and several people i suppose, not that its negative its just not such an easy thing to deal with. i do just fine if the other person is a talker, its not that i just sit and stare while they talk, i can become a talker too, and talker people make great catalysts between nontalker people this is not sane this is lunacy i wouldn't trade it though, you know how it is
#173043 49 Tue Oct 18 22:17:55 1994 [I want to go] Prick [to the hospital]
so somebody hurt me now so i can go to bed for a while
#173068 49 Wed Oct 19 00:37:10 1994 [quality brand] Spur [of the west]
if i start talking then ill reveal that i dont know who i am or who anybody else is, but ill do it anywyays, yes this is a fucking disclaimer, and yes i fucking hate them, but shit i dont know all of it this is the way it is to me. there is no leader. shane is no leader, yet has wants but is unwilling to take much of a stand on them, the wishy-washiness of it fucking annoys the shit out of me sometimes. colin is no leader, yet nothing is really quite good enough for him, never what it ought to be, the perfect thing lies forever out of sight but he thinks its there. sunday might be a leader because of the fact that she gets strong wants and at least says somewhere to go but for her wishy-washiness too which some might interpret as an unwillingness to trample anybody. i am no leader in that for the most part i dont care i will do what i enjoy if that means i split then i split sorry but what i want is not what anybody else wants. the house is an evil presence that drowns everyone, the cable is an evil presence and i dont know why tv watching is the major thing going on there. jay is to me an evil presence not always but often enough, either hes talking about something totally irrelevant for hours on end which i know is wrong (jay sunday and i are all knowitalls, it makes for tenseness sometimes, and i listen to a lot of stuff super-critically saying if not outloud then to myself this is the reason that is flawed and goddamn it I KNOW YOURE WRONG). i listen to wishy-washiness and shit i scream inside YOU HAVE NO FUCKING BACKBONE and i dont say a goddamned thing until i know that my saying something is what is necessary to something good. saturday, i knew my sayting something was no good because i had no desire to have fun unlike anybody else no desire to hang out with more than one person. when we played the other day i watched you and sunday look at each other waiting and i knew i had to say something to get it started maybe it was me maybe it wasnt. things got started. its the fucking waiting i cannot stand. then you decide on something on you sit around for hours i have no clue what to do but watching invertebrates makes me sick so how about i retreat into myself until you guys are doing something. okay? finally in the car sunday knows the best time to have a five minute conversation with her dad is after everybody else is ready. shane is no fun, also extremely inoffensive. just not to me. i am happy spending a night alone in a room with shane. id like to think that sometimes i have the possibility of awakening people most especially shane, being a whateverthatwordis. maybe theres no fun to be had, dont beat a dead horse. dont go expecting it wont be that way. i have no need for any of this. i do not care about doing something or not doing something (oh yeah that word its catalyst). and so i wont say anything. BUT i do care about indecision of everybody else when quite obviously they have a care. something else. sunday thinks shes told people where to go, other people dont understand, sunday gets pissed. as in, dennys. but maybe people do understand and just dont mention that they really dont want to. there we go. that is too harsh, i know. its time for harsh words, dont take it personally, i love you motherfuckers.
#173069 49 Wed Oct 19 00:38:02 1994 [quality brand] Spur [of the west]
and sunday comes out looking rosier than she ought to compared to the rest of you in the post. youre all fucked, me im the only okay one tell me otherwise tell me harshly tell me why i beg of you itll help me out.
#173087 49 Wed Oct 19 10:55:46 1994 [ppopooepe] Prick [poeeopp]
fuck wishiwashiness when i stand around sans backbone waiting for somebody to decide what to do i'm thinking i'd be just as well off at home and i'm waiting for somebody to give me a reason not to leave. just the way shit is, sometimes there's a tension, a need for action among the group and if there is no action, we can forget about just sitting and talking because every third sentence will be "so were we going to do something or what?" so basically when it comes to that i'd just as soon leave; when i go home the desire for action becomes little or none, it's a great outlet to have. when i say i have no opinion I HAVE NO OPINION, i just want something to happen. either something happens or WE'RE ALL FUCKED! it's a collective mood for activity and when that mood has been reached it's either do something as in leave, go away from house, or it's go inside turn on the tube and forget about trying to communicate because hell we don't have to like each other if there's something that makes us want to vomit on the screen. in the future i will try to suggest things more than i do, i suppose, but 90% suggestions will be coffee or something ridiculous like that; i suppose its still better than nothing at all nathan-arguing with you is the nearest thing to death i have discovered leaves me cold inside and i swear to god my skin turns blue. often seems that arguing is the only word for it discussion is out of the question, i know that you know all this i don't expect any different from you and i've learned to deal with it i guess so fuck me. well no, i guess sometimes dealing with it means shutting my trap and i don't think thats a good thing sunday-be straight with me, with everybody, i assume theres something that i/we do to perpetuate it but you often dance around what you want and then seem annoyed when we don't get the idea don't be afraid to take a stand that way we can go "no shut up we don't want whatever it is you want" and we can say it straight to your fucking face and put you in your place. or something like that. what i mean is, if you just make more obvious what you desire to happen, more often than not you will get it because obviously none of the four of us even give a flying fuck about what happens, really. come to think of it, i guess what's being said in all of these is that every one of us needs to just open our mouths once in a while and say outright not what we COULD do but what we WANT to do, perhaps if this happens we will have less boredom-ditching. personally i'm fine just sitting and talking but that doesn't seem to happen much it seems, maybe a few trips to caffeine palace will change that maybe we should all do some crank and then go to coffee
#173097 49 Wed Oct 19 16:31:38 1994 [come see the softer side] Joan Vermin [of my ass]
okay. i cant think of anything to say. im not in the mood to think of things i dont like about you.
#173104 49 Wed Oct 19 16:57:31 1994 [quality brand] Spur [of the west]
yes, shane has got it completely. everybody open your mouth. fuck silence. its in me too now i realize. say it when its there.
#173420 49 Wed Oct 19 20:13:55 1994 john hinkley [youre bored]
well since im coming in a few messages late this message will seem out of place but as george washington carver said, "shut up and li sten motherfucker." to me saturday went like this: we sat around for awhile watched a movie and tv for awhile. finally decided to go drive around which was good. i dont care about that movie or the cougars on tv, the way i see it is: i can watch tv at home almost ALL THE TIME and get just as much a kick out of it if not more because i can sit on the couch without having to feel guilty about it but chairs arent the thing. there is a certain comfort with being alone in your own house you know? like shane said, alot of the time i would have TONS more fun alone at home (well somethign like shane said). i coudl watch tv like im doing, or i could play any of the cool new computer games i got, i could play chess or read a book on chess or masturbate or listen to my unwound record or whatever. okay so we drive around and finally decide to get out and do nothing. me and shane FINALLY develop a perogative. but no that is not good enough for you guys. jesus christ we had only planned to be there for a few minutes. i dont know maybe i take it way too personally but you guys have been running out since yo-yo ended every time. its a pain in the ass, im not really great friends with amanda and val and nomy but i think they are all really cool people and i wish i was better friends with them. and when we finally get a chance to hang out even if its only for a few minutes its not fun for you guys. im just speculating, here but i would guess its even harder on shane because he is much closer to the 3 of them. just speculation though. so me and shane stayed there for hardly any time at all and then left. i kinda wanted to hang out, there was something i wanted to talk to you about, something i kinda needed to talk about but i didnt bring it up. when i decided it might be a good time you decided you wanted to go. and its not your fault, its mine. i need to have more of a spine and tell you that i wanted to talk. but im really unstable now and i dont know what was going through my head. btw, what i wanted to talk about isnt that great a deal anymore. in fact i barely think i remember it. at the time, though, it was important. i dont really have any other options. i know this seems incredibly unfair and arrogant and i think i *should* be grateful to have you guys as friends. but the truth is, im not. the surname i had before...it meant something. [if i had the option id leave][im sorry]. its true. but theres nowhere else for me to go. i shouldnt be bringing this up ive thought about it before and decided against it because its too revealing but... i really dont know anybody else i am good enough friends with to hang out. steve and jessica and maggie are all great but i dont know what they tyhink of me. i hang out with 'em downtown when i see em but it still seems im largely on the outside but maybe im just looking at it wrong. of course its not totally like that, i wouldnt just ditch you guys, but they would give me other options you know. instead of just having to go home or having to sit and watch tv. alot of stress from present situation. i dont know. i dotn know i dont know fuck. nomy and amanda are the same way stev and jessica are. i also feel ignorant around them. i always feel like they resent my presence cause all i do is listen. but i learn alot by just listening and i think its great. just dont know what they think. maybe my thoughts will be more organized next call. what bugs me about you guys: i dont know. this might seem unfair because i have the most gripes with sunday but it is totally obvious that such would be true anyways. everyone knows this anyways. youre always saying how much you need to be with other people. i know there is a need for osme interaction in everyones life and yes everyone is different. but maybe you should look at why you need others so much instead of just accepting that because to me you use it in your advantage. to me it just sounds liike you whine and whien about (sorry for the term 'whine' but it is the most accurate) but you use that as a total cop out. like that is supposed to justify everything. of course, im probablyk hearing you wrong because i always do because other stuff gets involved. if you looked long and hard enough maybe youd find why you always need other people. to me, its almost ridiculous and yes that is unfair but im being honest. youre never going to be able to totally rely on other people. in the future you are gonna find yourself in a hard spot. maybe its just a thign called boredeom and you can find other stuff to occupy your mind other than where shane, and more specifically, nathan, is. the few times ive been at your hosue alone youve ignored me and just kept pondering on where nathan might be. most of the times it is just me & shane there you are preoccupied with when nathan will arrive i dont know. it seems like an every day thing to me. i dont know what im getting at and mabye that is unfair but i never claimed to be fair, i guess. i know that i need to have fun too which is maybe why im always so sad, because i never have fun. i think we all have that need somewhere. maybe the need for enjoyment, fun may not be the right word. nathan: i dont know what bugs me about you right now. other than i dont really feel close to you at all lately, which really hurts but its entirely true. sometimes im convinced that it is this war between me and sunday and of course you are in her side. that is what that one dream was about. if nobody remembers, nevermind. shane: i dont really know either. i think i just expect too much from you all the time and i tend to get upset when you dont really know whats going on inside or maybe you just dont say anything about it. but i cant expect you to know whats going on inside of me. so whatever. sorry to just gripe at you, sunday. but.
#173431 49 Wed Oct 19 22:10:05 1994 [quality brand] Spur [of the west]
colin, this is the deal: im not interested in something i take off. im not into making anybody else do it, but i couldnt care less, i was tired, i had work in the early morning, there were more important things to me. you want me there? tell me why and ill tell you if its important enough to me as compared to what i want. i feel some kind of implied blame for taking off saturday. i foresaw myself being really uncomfortable at nomys, and shit, i dont give a fuck how long its for. this war is you and sunday. i dont involve myself. maybe i should, but dont worry, id be on my side, not sundays or yours. honest, im not just fooling myself or lying to you, and the proof is the way the thoughts run in my head when i see the battlefield and stand back waiting for somebody to figure out what the goddamned deal is. since you cant see these thoughts, trust me on it, im trustworthy, honest. so were not close? yeah, i guess so. that doesnt mean i dont like you, it doesnt mean you dont say things worth hearing, etc. i dont know what the hell it means.
#173432 49 Wed Oct 19 22:13:45 1994 [quality brand] Spur [of the west]
the living room is hell. i hate it absolutely. the darkness kills almost everything in me, some rare stuff survives, its not the kind of stuff worth sharing with everyone else. the tv fucking sucks for the same almost everything. the first thing to do is get the fuck out of that house. and away from jay. jay and the living room are the incarnation of one thing to me, although nopt quite. jay i can talk to one on one so dont think this is some kind of hate deal sunday. its an inability to deal with jay outside of very uncommon circumstances, circumstances that involve no one else including sunday.
#173449 49 Thu Oct 20 01:19:59 1994 [ppopooepe] Prick [poeeopp]
i think joe pie expressed it best when he said "bake those donuts with extra grease..." but other than that.. the living room is the incarnation of purest evil, but thats okay, moods change, you know, we spend two nights out on the town and suddenly the television sounds mighty appealing. or not. "so it's an adaptation of the Chekhov play?" "it is.. uh.. basically a.. uh.. an adaptation of.. uh.. the play by, uh.. Anton Chekhov." fffuuuuckckkckckdskask
#173476 49 Thu Oct 20 19:43:52 1994 john hinkley [youre bored]
resigned to sit behind the others, smile its not xso bad to be the only one.wait dont go stay until i find another one. resigned the sunrise was a lie was a dream its too dark outside to be alive resigned to fade into what was joy was pain its not so bad to be the only one alive. nathan>doesnt mean i dont like you either. the complete opposite in fact. it seems like we used to be closer. well i dont know maybe its this myth i create in my head. its real easy to do that, for me it is. the thing is im feeling a general complete dissatsifaction with everythign lately. maybe its me maybe its not. the tension makes it so much harder to deal with. there seems like alot of pressure, maybe stress is a better word for lack of a better term. i dont know if i get the same kicks i used to. sitting and talking used to be all i wanted but now there is so much shit that surrounds just sitting and talk. ie: sunday tends to dominate the conversation alot of the time and i cant stand this for some reason. i find myself thinking about nothing more than how to refute you. and it makes for a hell of a bad time. its not like i can stop thinking this eitehr, cause its a complete annoyance. i dont fucking know. yeah im unfair why dont i just go fuck myself. but the tv is an epitome of evil im sure we all a gree on that. seems lik e we have a hard time ge tting away from it, thou gh.
#173491 49 Thu Oct 20 21:55:43 1994 Prick
its so pitiful
#173501 49 Thu Oct 20 23:11:31 1994 [you] Spur [suck]
used to be closer. like i said, whats that mean? i cant figure it out, but youre right. used to be closer. things from that thatll always be there. youre accepted in my heart. i remain honest with you, i will not fuck you over, etc. i have a code of ehtics that applies to friends (not buddies, not hello theres, not people i hang out with, but friends) and youre counted in it. thats further than so many people get. in a way, thats as close as its possible to get to me without secrets exchanged or lives lived side by side. we have been living side by side, colin. thats all it is.
#174287 49 Fri Oct 21 17:57:37 1994 [come see the softer side] Joan Vermin [of my ass]
ung. this is alot of shit to deal with at once. I really wish this coulda all been conversed in person, but obviously it didnt. oh well, huh? i dont know what to say really. Things that pop into mind: colin> you dont seem to notice that i wait around for shane to arrive when you and nathan are already there. ive waited around dumbly for you to arrive when the other two are there. it's not "oh nathan must get here" its more like a finalization. I find myself being the leader alot, and i dont feel good about it most of the time. sat night> (colin) dont feel you really have the right to say that we ran out of that situation. I didnt want to go at all, i was upset you guys just decided to take off regardless of asking us or going back to the car (where we were waiting) to tell us you'd be gone. living room> many things to say. this is my house. jay is my father. even if i'd like to say i have the guts to just take off and do what i want to do without making sure pop was okay first, i dont really think i would. I feel really horrible all the time because everyone hates my living room... in my head this boils down to "oh god, sunday's making us stay here again." if you're so hated of it, how come you never say anything? nathan does sometimes, and obvious or not i try to make an effort to do something. i'm SO sorry if you all hate my living room and my dad, alright? THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. of course someones gonna totally disagree, and i say FUCK YOU to whoever of you three say that because you dontknow what is in my head so dont even tell me how im fucked up. tyhats all i fucking hear. from my parents, from layla, from you guys on occasion is whats wrong with me. so fucking sorry. so ggoddamn sorry you wouldnt even BELIEVE.
#175110 49 Sat Oct 22 20:33:14 1994 john hinkley [youre bored]
nathan>>i dont know what i mean when i say that. doesnt it just feel like that at all to you? sometimes i feel like i could tell you anything before but i dont always know if youll relate any more. sundaY>>okayh. im sorry but i cant really accept that as how things go when people arent around you waiting around for whoever it is. from everything ive experienced thats not what i have seen at all. sorry i dont believe you. really sorry i just ralized how shitty that is. how much of a huge change it is but i think back and maybe its not such a big change. dynamics are so fucking incredible. the dynamics that is. about saturday night i dont know what to tell you why did you have to go back to the car to leave i dont watn to get into it never ufkcing mind this will definetly come up again because it is a *RECURRING THEME* for over 3-4 months.probably jsut a big personality conflict we all believe different shit and some of us dont know what to believe so we just go with others. sunday give us a fucking break that snot all you fucking hear is that you are fucked up how often do we say that to you for fucking honestly for real? do you feel constantly pikced on . if so im sorry becasue we dont pick on. i just make it a point to bring it up when you place these demands on 1-3 of us to do something like making fun of hte girls at denny's last night and the dynamics of you asking us that but maybe we should get into that later. eveybody hears hwo fucked up they are. whether or not you believe it is the choice. i think we desreve more credit because we never blamed your living room OR your dad on *YOU* did we? its just somethign tahts there. a no-fault type of lifetime. sorry to pick on you here and tell you how fucked up you are.
#175126 49 Sat Oct 22 23:35:01 1994 Prick
oh things are getting so much better now.
#175407 49 Mon Oct 24 00:00:51 1994 [you] Spur [suck]
oh, but its kinda pretty.
#175408 49 Mon Oct 24 00:01:33 1994 [you] Spur [suck]
colin, yes it feels that way. too bad you arent sure if you can say anything and ill relate any more. kinda a shame.
#175409 49 Mon Oct 24 00:02:02 1994 [you] Spur [suck]
sunday: colin asked good questions. you really feel always picked on?
#175872 49 Mon Oct 24 20:30:35 1994 [information] Joan Vermin [shmyway]
I didnt ask you to fucking cry for me colin, okay? I vent my feelings as you vented them and you completely flip. I am sure this is a totally biased feeling, but i really do feel picked on RIGHT NOW not all the time. I knowI pick on you. People are constantly telling me I'm fucked up. I am sure people tell you too. it really sucks when something like that comes from you guys because you guys are my solice, the people who dont tell me i'm fucked up because they are in the same situation. I dont feel picked on by you guys so much as anyone else. If you guysdo you dont mean it, but that doesnt mean I am not going to vent it on you, its only fucking natural, and if its not sorry, maybe you aren't really my friend. what the fuck are the "dynamics" of me asking you guys to say something insulting to some girls in dennys? so fucking inanely sorry, colin. I'll never do it again. sorry it bothers you enough to make some "dynamics" out of it. about the living room i said "i feel." sorry i feel things. sorru I laid so much on you, right after you laid so much on me. sorry to pick on you too.
#175898 49 Mon Oct 24 21:12:01 1994 john hinkley [youre bored]
nathan>>i dont know. not much i care to talk to anybody about any more something tells me iw as wrong to some degree but ill never know til i get there.
#175899 49 Mon Oct 24 21:30:33 1994 john hinkley [youre bored]
fine so you vented on us it just seems like its okay for you to vent on us but not in reverse. but its porbably not that way sorry for being defensive after you accused us of picking on you when you do the same to us. your last message said: SW> about the living room i said "i feel." sorry i feel things. you were responding to ME saying: it is the choice. i think we desreve more credit because we never blamed your living room OR your dad on *YOU* did we? its just somethign tahts there. a no-fault type of lifetime. i said that because YOU said: of course someones gonna totally disagree, and i say FUCK YOU to whoever of you three say that because you dontknow what is in my head so dont even tell me how im fucked up. no you didnt just say "i feel" you said FUCK YOU because you cant give us enough credit that we fucking realize that its not your fault that we dislike your living room. you want to know the dynamics of you asking us to pick on the girls at denny's???? OKAY HERE IT IS. STuff very similar to this happens all the teim so i'll give a few examples just so tehre is no doubt in your mind: Dennys: sunday says "before we go we definetly have to pick on those girls." the translation of this is "before we go you guys should pick on those girls." i cant remember if we said no and you argued or not. another time: walking down the street, me sunday noel and nathan. sunday sees a cone she wants in a parking garage. hassles all of us to go get it. nobody wants to get it. sunday whines about it, yes whines maybe nathan recalls this maybe not but i would call it whining. its not hard to believe. so noel or zied or whoever it was agreed to walk over to the cone with sunday while she picks it up. she says no, continues to whine. i or nathan or whoever it was agreed to walk to the cone and get it if sunday comes along. she says no. awhile back while my mom was gone: it is me, sunday, nathan and shane all deciding what to do. decide to get fucked up after weve been in denny's for awhile. in parking lot sunday asks me to steal upyour gas. i say that i will happily steal some vicks but i dotn want to take up your gas from the store. didnt feel good about it. sunday refuses to ask nathan cause she is afraid of consequences if HE gets caught but what happens if i get caught is not bad enough i guess. so we steal the vicks. sunday waits til we drive all the way back downtown before she gets visibly upset because she cant take anything. actually there was beer to drink and plenty of vicks to go around. neither was good enough (vicks under- standable) because sunday wants upyourgas. shes not willing to steal or buy it herself however. finally nathan says he'll do it. as a side note, doesnt really relate, when nathan gets back to the car with silly puddy and sunday's upyourgas first words out of sunday's mouth are "you should have gotten neon green silly puddy". as opposed to perhaps "thank you very much" which came later. just as a side note. just saying that you always ask "US" to do things. "WE need to make fun of the girls at denny's" means that "COLIN, SHANE AND NATHAN make fun of the girls while sunday watches." sometimes colin, shane and nathan dont want to do this but sunday continues to ask in the form of we. so basically we are supposed to do this for your benefit. maybe if you asked differently the situation would change. its only a guess, cant say for sure. probabl so far in now that there is no salvation.
#175919 49 Mon Oct 24 22:08:17 1994 [hear the rallying cry] Spur [death to the deaf]
and you forgot: how do we pick on you? i agree with colin as far as what he said. i remember all the things hes talking about. i remember being pretty angry at it being MY job to do things for you which you could just as easily do yourself. its not my job to pick on the girls for you, its not my job to walk into mcdonalds with a gas mask on for you. if you want it, do it yourself. or at least be honest and say you guys instead of we. (sometimes i have felt pressure from you to do these things, sometimes i have not. i have to admit that it doesnt bother me in the least when there isnt pressure coming from you to do these things for you. but when there is the pressure i get kinda angry.)
#175949 49 Tue Oct 25 00:44:39 1994 Prick
i can recall this stuff colin talks about too. sometimes its frustrating, thats true. however i cant readily agree with the way this is being handled. granted, this shit from all four sides of the relationship has gone on long enough and its about time stuff was said, we all need to say shit, sometimes i barely get up the guts to say anything at all. but whats happening is a whole bunch of fuck yous and a whole bunch of quoting, (primarily colin/sunday), and its gotta stop. it's perpetuated by more fuck yous and its absolutely ridiculous. fuck me, i'm stepping in here and playing referee and i can't even take a stand on anything. fuck me, sorry.
#175980 49 Tue Oct 25 18:28:24 1994 [fuck] Ana Ng [shit]
yeah i was oging to step in too but it would be a silly thing to do i guess a person on the outisde can't really do much but see it from the outside there is none of that emotional attatchment to consider
#176007 49 Tue Oct 25 20:46:56 1994 john hinkley [youre bored]
yeah and the ony reason for the fuck yous are the emotional attachment. funny how you cant see thigns unless you are in the middle and then you dont want to see them. okay so maybe i shouldnt have given examples i just like to give examples because sunday has brushed stuff off in the passed or just ignored this way its not going to be ignored. it just bugs me because you say that "we" have to do this stuff and if "shane, colin, or nathan" doesnt do it you whine about it and act like we are being shits. which is a complete reverse. but of course i am being mean because i am telling you how fucked up you are. well sorry but thats the way things ihave to go, i honestly dont think you would want me to not say anything.
#176048 49 Tue Oct 25 21:41:50 1994 Prick
different for me, actually, roya.. i'm in the middle of the shit, so i should have something to say but i can't even formulate a fucking opinion
#176081 49 Tue Oct 25 22:59:33 1994 [ill give you something] Spur [to bleed about]
being outside often gives you pretty valid objective things to say, i encourage you to say them. you may be wrong in your guess on some stuff, but if you avoid the guessing game, im sure youd give insight.
#176082 49 Tue Oct 25 23:00:17 1994 [ill give you something] Spur [to bleed about]
too many fuck yous, sure, but they arent going to go away. it seems that trying to avoid saying fuck you has been tried in the past and seems to have failed, so lets stop even pretending anybodys playing that game.
#177339 49 Wed Oct 26 15:33:24 1994 [information] Joan Vermin [shmyway]
I'm no longer going to even responjd.
#177340 49 Wed Oct 26 15:48:09 1994 [information] Joan Vermin [shmyway]
it's not things that are genuinely worth arguing about anymore, colin. those things coulda been changed by someone saying something instead of quoting all these times when it turns out all you guys thought I really sucked and that I was whining too much etc. I dont want to fight anymore. If it means ignoring you compltely cplin, I'll do it because this sin't going to stop. Each time I tell you I want to let it drop, you DONT let it drop. Last four times I've called here I've hung up crying, this time included. Yeah, I have faults, I annoy you guys, and now you are telling me about things I did this summer that really pissed you off. Everything I do pisses you off. I can see you wanting to argure something to the end, but I am sick of leaving this BBS compltely emotionally fucked up because of all the thigns someone oesn't like ab0out me. I'm sorry for anything I ever did to you to make you hate me so much, I'm sorry it ended up that I hated you so much. As a side note that most likely means nothing, I don't hate you, I don't really dislike you even. What I hate is this endless aruing that leaves me feeling like somone mowed over my head. if this is chickening out to you, than okay. I am reading those things you wrote ... seeming uneventful situations to me, and suddenly people are telling me they are feeling pressured (by me? did I look like I was forcing you or threatening you or blackmailing you?) and that they want me to be honest (never though I was lieing or avoiding truths... it appears that I am) I apologize pretty often I think. But when I saw my feelings are hurt, and when I tell you what I get is this huge offensive note about how fucked up you think I am, and about how much you dispise my actions. I can't deal with that anymore. If I responded to that whole letter I'd lose it. I have and am losing it. You're right, I did all those things. From my side, it was NOT like that though... no one ever seemed genuinely angry or frustrated or doing things compltely against their will... but you all acknowledge this and what I have to say is: I'm sorry. if you want more, you cant have it because thats all ive got.
#177341 49 Wed Oct 26 15:49:21 1994 [information] Joan Vermin [shmyway]
looking back on that letter it seems really wimpy and escaping a situation by not paying attention to what you said, but believe me i read over everything at least twice, and what I've got to say is that it's gotta end. if it's not agreed by you as well, then I'll do something.
#177374 49 Wed Oct 26 22:08:41 1994 john hinkley [youre bored]
sudnay its not gonna fucking end jesus christ this is bordering on RIDICULOUS! fuck you know its not possible to just DROP it. have we ever just dropped anything? if that happens you are just gonna do the same thing again and i am gonna get fucking annoyed and things will get worse. god, we finally start to talk about shit and you dont want to talk about it. i knew it would happen. you cant run from this shit. none of us can. we have to fucking deal with it or things are gonna get far worse, right? maybe we arent dealing with it in the right way so im gonna try to start over: this is the wussy way to do things but it is also the only way to do things to not offend the other person...>>>> okay, sunday, when you want me to do stuff like take that cone and i dont want to do it, it feels like you continue to pressure me to do it. the things that bother me about it are: 1) you wont do it yourself, even if i offer to go over there with you... 2) if i dont do it you 'whine' (best word, sorry) by either laying a guilt trip on one me for not doing it or playing pout-pout-please-why not?!... stuff like that happens all the time. i know im not the only one bothered by it, im sure it is true that i let it get to me more than shane or nathan. but i think that is because i have VERY LITTLE tolerance for stuff like this any more. Sorry, but i dont really believe tolerance to be polite is an option...i believe that is ridiculous. Not saying you guys do this. i dont know....it just seems like stuff like that...it seems like you have a hard time asking 'politely'. not talking miss manners politeness here but basic human decency and we do all have different concepts of it. when you jump up and down on the street and say in a high-pitched voice 'somebody give me a piggy back ride' or 'somethign some thing something' it just seems so ridiculous to me. why cant you just ask normal. maybe im out of touch, and maybe that is half the fun in it. <shrug> but just the way you do that makes me automatically say 'no', not that i give piggy-back rides anyways...but for other thigns. nathan>>>just in case sunday has decided to never call back for awhile, can you please tell her to call back. i think that message is non-threatening enough so that she should read it. if its not, tell me. roya>>>yeah, sure. it wouldnt hurt to hear waht you think. not like you need my permission or anything.
#177399 49 Wed Oct 26 23:04:11 1994 [ill give you something] Spur [to bleed about]
i dont know whats non threatening enough. sunday: do you want explanations, talking, from me? or not? should i say anything more on this subject?
#177426 49 Thu Oct 27 00:27:37 1994 Prick
i don't think i have anything to offer here anymore, it feels like its out of my hands. rather, i wish for it to be out of my hands because every time i try to be objective somebody reacts as if i chose sides.
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